For the last three months or so I have been in a Yelp Check-In fight in my neighborhood. For those who don’t know, Yelp allows people to check-in to places on Yelp if you’re within one mile of the location (to account for phone location error I suppose). When you have the most check-ins you’re called the Duke. If you have the most Dukedoms in your area you’re called the Baron. Get the most check-ins in your city and you might get the designation King. Stupid, I know.
Anyways, for some reason I started checking-in to these places, mostly out of sheer boredom. It took a few weeks for my competitive side to come out but when it did, oh man, did I piss off some people. I would take about 30 minutes out of each day to check-in to places already controlled by other Dukes, eventually getting to the point where I became the Baron of my neighborhood. It was then I decided to become the Duke of every place within a one-mile radius of my location. How did I eventually do it?
I found the current Baron of my area and started checking-in systematically to all the places he had checked into. The guy had obviously only been tot he area a few times since most of the check-ins were one-time check-ins. I’d tie my check-ins with the guy until I eventually spent two days taking over 50 places from him in one fell swoop. He never knew what hit him. I actually secretly hope someone else becomes the Baron over me for a little bit so I can do the same with them.
Of course this pisses off people, and I guess that’s the only real joy I get out of it. Yelp Troll. I don’t care about Yelp, I don’t care if I’m the Duke or Baron of whatever, I just want to conquer, take over, and smash other people. The fact that I could care less about being a Baron only makes it funnier to me, since these people I’m up against genuinely care about being a Duke or Baron and it pisses them off to no end. OVER NOTHING. It’s my little jab at people who make a big deal out of nothing. If people took over my places, I wouldn’t get mad, I’d just put up a fight and may the best person win. In 6 months when I move out of the neighborhood I’ll just leave it all behind.
The reason I wrote this post is because one of the people I am battling with (what else does Yelp royalty do, eh?) sent me a message tonight and I laughed my ass off. Here it is:
Of course I couldn’t help but respond:
“I think you’d be hard pressed to find a single Baron/Baroness or King/Queen of Yelp check-ins who doesn’t do shady stuff. How many people have one check-in at 30 different dentists? Sheeeit, the Queen of Silicon Valley has 3,000 check-ins (I’m not exaggerating, I think it’s actually 3,005).
Yelp is doing a good job of curbing this abuse by making it now 15 minutes between check-ins for people when before you could check in every minute. They could go a step further by making it so people can’t check-in when store hours are over (but that would only work if the store hours were on the site and up to date which is hard).
Sorry if it angers you that I strive to be the Baron of an area without the cost of actually spending money at all these places, it’s really just something I do on the side when I’m bored. Nothing to do? Check-in! Cooking oatmeal? Check-in! I’m not really invested in it, I actually find it quite funny that people get pissed off about it. Trolling? Probably.
If you reporting me actually ends in a suspension of my account or whatever, I’d actually be happy. This whole hobby of checking is super pointless and the only joy I get from it is laughs when I strategically take over a place on Yelp and imagine how angry the person gets over absolutely nothing, like yourself. Want to be a Baroness? Act like a Baroness! Seize the day! Conquer! You’re practically royalty.
If you want tips on how best to take places over, I’d be more than willing to tell you how best to go about it, I could use the competition.
And if you ever write me again, please use complete words and sentences, you sound like a retard.”
Anyways, maybe this will become something, maybe not. If it does, I’ll post updates.
Your adopted kid comes with presets like the ability to play the violin. Look at it as adopting a genius who years from now will make millions and help you reach retirement early. The way those parents are eyeing Curtis makes me uneasy, it’s like he’s meat. I’d Photoshop in drool but I’m sure you have the proper image in your head.
Your adopted kid he will do all his homework on time and be an astronaut. Think about it, your adopted kid could be the first to walk on Mars. If I ever adopt a kid, I’m going to make sure he becomes an astronaut. “But dad, my skin is turning orange!” “Shaddup and drink your Tang!”
Your adopted kid will protect you from ninjas. I thought about getting a really big dog, but opted for the personal bodyguard instead. One can never tell when your attack-child might come in handy.
Your adopted kid will pitch over 100MPH. All that time watching sports on TV will finally pay off when your kid signs a $400 Million dollar contract and you can brag about how great a coach you were. Just remember to clean the steroid needle every time you use it (probably at night while he’s sleeping).
Your adopted kid will actually graduate from somewhere. Many people think adopted kids will end up addicts, homeless and pregnant with octuplets, but they’re wrong! You kid will be an outstanding member of society who will actually graduate from somewhere! Order now!
International Talk-Like-A-Pirate Day fast approaches (Sept 19th) so I thought I’d post a song I wrote in Niger about the best drink in the world… GROG!
I know it’s easy for people online to say shocking stuff like how all Mac users need to die because they’re hipsters with too much money, or how Democrats should all be aborted because they love abortion. I’m not trying to make this post like that. I genuinely kinda want your kid to die just so I can see what you’d do with that family bumper-sticker you have on your car.
Hey religious crazies, when you say god speaks through you or you try and imitate how it speaks, it’s not in Olde English. Seriously, just because you throw in an ‘art’ a ‘thou’ and a ‘hath’ does not make it the literal word of god.
