Adopt You Own Freak Genius Child In San Francisco

I agree that kids need to be adopted whole heartedly, but the ads give me the heebie-jeebies. Here are five of them:

I Kinda Want Your Kid To Die

I know it’s easy for people online to say shocking stuff like how all Mac users need to die because they’re hipsters with too much money, or how Democrats should all be aborted because they love abortion. I’m not trying to make this post like that. I genuinely kinda want your kid to die just so I can see what you’d do with that family bumper-sticker you have on your car.

My Friend Solved The Pedophile Problem

Pedophiles are a huge issue in our world. Everyone wants them to get better and stop sleeping with little children, but everyone also wants to beat the crap out of them and also keep them 500 miles from other human beings. So how do we solve this? We’ll give pedophiles asian women.

I Say Famous Stuff Too!

Every so often I feel like I come up with some profound statement which, given to the right people, would change their lives.  The only problem is that I’m not famous.  You’ve done it — looked on-line for some famous quote which is only famous because some famous person said it.  Suddenly the words “I [...]

I Swear To God I’m Freaking Out

Every once in a while I can’t help but let my mind wander into areas that I know should be off limits.  For instance, Asian drivers are just as good as anyone else, but when I get cut-off or something I can’t help but think it’s shitty driving due to heritage.  Or maybe crap that [...]

The Next James Bond Plot

You know how in the really good James Bond movies you sort of feel for the bad guy?  Or maybe not the bad guy in general, but sympathize with his idea?  For instance, in Moonraker you had Hugo Drax who want to right all the environmental wrongs the human species has done to the world.  [...]

What I Learned Working 6.5 Days At A Construction Site

1) No matter what Eli tells you, there is no such thing as a ‘Beam Stretcher’ in the truck. It’s a snipe hunt.
2) You can drink two gallons of water welding in hot weather in a leather jacket and never have to pee once.

Having Powers Would Be Awkward

I really don’t feel like super-hero stories get it right.  Sure, Heroes and the X-Men have stories about mutant persecution and running from the law/imprisonment.  But imagine if you yourself had a super power and how hard it would be to hide.
For instance, let’s say you had the power to see through clothes.  At first [...]

You Were Not Famous In A Past Life, Sorry

The fact is, if there were past lives, you most likely were no one. You were a no-name farmer, a criminal, or maybe even a homeless person. When you look at the populations way back then the odds are pretty good.

Does God Wear Underwear? If So, What?

Does God wear underwear?  (For the article I’m going to refer to God as a male entity, shoot me)
I’m constantly amazed at religious people who assume their religious being is an actual physical thing.  It seems to me they just open themselves up for ridicule or uncomfortable questions.  I mean, if God DID physically exist [...]