Anyways, for some reason I started checking-in to these places, mostly out of sheer boredom.  It took a few weeks for my competitive side to come out but when it did, oh man, did I piss off some people.  I would take about 30 minutes out of each day to check-in to places already controlled by other Dukes, eventually getting to the point where I became the Baron of my neighborhood.  It was then I decided to become the Duke of every place within a one-mile radius of my location.  How did I eventually do it?

I found the current Baron of my area and started checking-in systematically to all the places he had checked into.  The guy had obviously only been tot he area a few times since most of the check-ins were one-time check-ins.  I’d tie my check-ins with the guy until I eventually spent two days taking over 50 places from him in one fell swoop.  He never knew what hit him.  I actually secretly hope someone else becomes the Baron over me for a little bit so I can do the same with them.

Of course this pisses off people, and I guess that’s the only real joy I get out of it.  Yelp Troll.  I don’t care about Yelp, I don’t care if I’m the Duke or Baron of whatever, I just want to conquer, take over, and smash other people.  The fact that I could care less about being a Baron only makes it funnier to me, since these people I’m up against genuinely care about being a Duke or Baron and it pisses them off to no end.  OVER NOTHING.  It’s my little jab at people who make a big deal out of nothing.  If people took over my places, I wouldn’t get mad, I’d just put up a fight and may the best person win.  In 6 months when I move out of the neighborhood I’ll just leave it all behind.

The reason I wrote this post is because one of the people I am battling with (what else does Yelp royalty do, eh?) sent me a message tonight and I laughed my ass off.  Here it is:

Of course I couldn’t help but respond:

“I think you’d be hard pressed to find a single Baron/Baroness or King/Queen of Yelp check-ins who doesn’t do shady stuff.  How many people have one check-in at 30 different dentists?  Sheeeit, the Queen of Silicon Valley has 3,000 check-ins (I’m not exaggerating, I think it’s actually 3,005).

Yelp is doing a good job of curbing this abuse by making it now 15 minutes between check-ins for people when before you could check in every minute.  They could go a step further by making it so people can’t check-in when store hours are over (but that would only work if the store hours were on the site and up to date which is hard).

Sorry if it angers you that I strive to be the Baron of an area without the cost of actually spending money at all these places, it’s really just something I do on the side when I’m bored.  Nothing to do?  Check-in!  Cooking oatmeal?  Check-in!  I’m not really invested in it, I actually find it quite funny that people get pissed off about it.  Trolling?  Probably.

If you reporting me actually ends in a suspension of my account or whatever, I’d actually be happy.  This whole hobby of checking is super pointless and the only joy I get from it is laughs when I strategically take over a place on Yelp and imagine how angry the person gets over absolutely nothing, like yourself.  Want to be a Baroness?  Act like a Baroness!  Seize the day!  Conquer!  You’re practically royalty.

If you want tips on how best to take places over, I’d be more than willing to tell you how best to go about it, I could use the competition.

And if you ever write me again, please use complete words and sentences, you sound like a retard.”

Anyways, maybe this will become something, maybe not.  If it does, I’ll post updates.

You have a friend going down to the courthouse to fight a parking ticket or whatever.  As they’re leaving the courthouse, mob them like they just got out of a murder trial.  You could have protesters waving signs about how the person is trying to cheat the system, an array of reporters and cameras being shoved in their face asking them why they decided to fight the charges and how they feel about the verdict, and maybe even some cops to keep everyone at bay.

Awesome, neh?

Take for instance the new TV show ‘V’ which I recently dived into.  I had heard that the show wasn’t that great, but with my ankle busted and me running out of shows to watch on Hulu, I decided to give it a shot.  Reviews say it’s not great, but whatever.

I diced my way through the first episode and decided to crank through the others.  Despite the terribly annoying androgynous son of that chick from LOST, I was kinda digging it.  Plenty of interesting shows get ruined by annoying children.  In Kyle XY  it was everyone.  In the movie War of the Worlds it was the son and freaky daughter Dakota Fanning (shudder).  But what the hey, I gave it a fair shot and eventually started to like it.

After episode 4 I noticed that in a comment that the next episode was going to air in March.

MARCH!  Are you fucking kidding me!

Four episodes, time enough for someone dedicated enough to get into it, about four episodes short for the rest of America, and they put it on hold for four months.  It was like ABC decided they were going to kill the show but wanted to drag it out as long as possible.  Just cancel it, or air the other episodes at midnight on a Sunday or something, don’t make me wait four months.  At least with ‘Firefly’ they killed the show by just screwing with the episode order, they still got to air all the episodes.

Because of this I realized that having TV seasons is flat-out stupid.  Or if you are going to have seasons, at least stick to it.  You don’t see me sledding in the summertime do you?  Fucking ABC.

The inside of my arm wasn’t as painful this time, maybe because I twisted the hell out of my ankle in Indiana my last night there and it’s been throbbing ever since.  X-Rays show it’s not broken thankfully.

I joked with Jason that if I wanted to get a full sleeve the rest would have to be an underwater theme since it’s under the boat.  Awesome idea, but I don’t know if the full sleeve is for me, at least at this point in life.  The other arm is open for anything and of course I’ve always toyed with the idea of getting more stuff on my back other than a robot and demon.

Honestly, I still love my first two tattoos, but almost regret them now because of the arm tattoo.  The two images on my back mean something to me but they’re kinda just floating there all alone.  This arm tattoo just makes me wish I had included them into a mosaic, something bigger than just themselves.  I kinda wish now the arm tattoo was my first one, but I’m hoping I can work the other two into some type of pattern.

Anyways, I can’t make the arm tattoo one big photo like they do in tattoo magazines, so here are just a bunch of shots of it.  Enjoy!

Your adopted kid comes with presets like the ability to play the violin.  Look at it as adopting a genius who years from now will make millions and help you reach retirement early.  The way those parents are eyeing Curtis makes me uneasy, it’s like he’s meat.  I’d Photoshop in drool but I’m sure you have the proper image in your head.

Your adopted kid he will do all his homework on time and be an astronaut.  Think about it, your adopted kid could be the first to walk on Mars.  If I ever adopt a kid, I’m going to make sure he becomes an astronaut.  “But dad, my skin is turning orange!” “Shaddup and drink your Tang!”

Your adopted kid will protect you from ninjas.  I thought about getting a really big dog, but opted for the personal bodyguard instead.  One can never tell when your attack-child might come in handy.

Your adopted kid will pitch over 100MPH.  All that time watching sports on TV will finally pay off when your kid signs a $400 Million dollar contract and you can brag about how great a coach you were.  Just remember to clean the steroid needle every time you use it (probably at night while he’s sleeping).

Your adopted kid will actually graduate from somewhere.  Many people think adopted kids will end up addicts, homeless and pregnant with octuplets, but they’re wrong!  You kid will be an outstanding member of society who will actually graduate from somewhere!  Order now!

Honestly though, they couldn’t have just had pictures of the parents with the kids doing normal stuff like playing frisbee or petting a dog?  All of these ads depict the kid doing something out of the ordinary, extraordinary one might say.  If the ad campaign works then I’m all for it, but until I see those numbers I can’t help but think they might go more extreme down the road…

Solo: Some call it briney and some call it slimey!

Everyone: But put to the test, it beats all the rest!

S: No advice you be heedin’ though your gums they be bleedin’!

E: But put to the test, it beats all the rest!

(Chorus)

Grog! Grog! A wonderful drink!

You’ll smell like a skunk and then die from the stink!

And if my dear swill be forbidden by god,

I’d rather be burnin’ than part with my grog!

S: Your vision goes hazy and it makes you quite crazy!

E: But put to the test, it beats all the rest!

S: It makes you quite nervy and saves you from scurvy!

E: But put to the test, it beats all the rest!

(Chorus)

So hoist up your glasses and raise them up high,

Salute that black flag way up in the sky!

Lift up your elbows and give ‘em a twist,

Drink all your grog or you’ll eat my damn fist!

You see, I had started seeing these bumper-stickers last year and immediately developed a huge hatred of them just because they annoyed the hell out of me.  I even found them more annoying than the zillions of ribbon bumper-stickers I see everywhere.  It got so bad that it eventually occurred to me that these families are basically asking to be smote (that’s what I assume is the past tense of ‘smite.’  I particularly liked Urban Dictionary’s definition of smited).

Here you are, showing the world that you have a large happy family with pets and whatnot, and I can’t help but wonder what they will do if a kid of theirs dies.  Do you leave him or her on there in memoriam?  Do you break out a razor blade and wipe them out?  In which case you better hope the youngest dies first so you don’t have to scoot them all over one space.  Or maybe you can replace one with a tombstone that has R.I.P. on it.

I honestly don’t know, and with all the assholes driving around with these stupid stickers, I know someone has had to deal with this kind of scenario.  I honestly wonder if that scene might show up in some indie flick about moving on from your children dying.

I almost feel like if you’re going to put those stickers on your car, they should at least be real to life.  One kid is a goth, another a jock who is beating on the goth, the dad is watching TV and drinking beer, the wife is banging a stick pool-boy, and the daughter already has two little stick kids of her own.  I would honestly love to see that.

I had read this screencap from a 4chan attack on people who are of the highly religious persuasion.  They hacked into Facebook accounts and left messages like ‘I LOVE PENIS!’ and other obviously non-religious stuff like pregnancy while not married, suicide, and having sex.  Lo and behold, of course someone responded in a biblical god voice (check out #3).

I know, all they used was the word ‘whence’ but it’s been bothering me since I read it a week or so ago.  It reminded me of the book ‘Under the Banner of Heaven’ by Jon Krakauer which detailed the rise of a mini-cult within the LDS Church.  The leader of the group said god had spoken through him and he typed it down on a computer.  Of course it was littered with all the Olde English sayings which to all the other idiots means god spoke through him for sure.

I guess my point is that more than likely god doesn’t speak in Olde English.  It probably speaks in either some ethereal language that no one can understand, in barbaric grunts, or modern Chinese.

So my buddy John Wulff has added a new feature to Project Paranoid, our map wiki that hopes to map every external camera in North America.  Check out more details here.  Basically if you have a phone or camera that tags the photo with GPS, we need your help.

We need you to start snapping photos of external cameras (security, red-light, webcam, traffic and speed cameras) with your phone and emailing them to newcamera@projectparanoid.com which will automatically populate the images on our map.  You can then go to the site and edit the camera positions (if they’re off by a little).

More will come, but for right now we really need help getting images.  So if you see one and can spare 5 seconds, please do!

Happy Hunting!