LITTLE-KNOWN PEOPLE IN HISTORIC PHOTOS

Heinrich Dofflebanger: Heinrich killed himself minutes after this photo was taken. He thought Hitler was going to pat him on the head for doing such a great job of protecting his car. In actuality, Hitler was just saluting everyone. He was also terribly depressed when he found out that the hat his wife gave him that morning made him look like a Hitler Youth. A peek into an alternate universe shows that if Hitler had actually patted Heinrich on the head, he would have gone on to do nothing of importance, never would have married, and would have died in obscurity.

Stupid Man #26: Not much is known about Stupid Man #26, but one thing is for certain — he is as dumb as a brick. I mean, even Carrot Top would probably start crying after talking with this guy for five minutes. If it went to ten minutes, blood would probably shoot out his nose. Not much is known about Stupid, but he seems to be related to the other 25 stupid guys that are marching endlessly on stairs without ever stopping . They don’t even notice the exit door on the far right. All he does is watch them. At least the guy on the stairs is smart. He’s just contemplating life, or waiting for the keg to be delivered — who knows?

Kenny Hjorkeenmal: Kenny is only in this photo because the CIA Photoshopped him into it, even though Photoshop, much less a personal computer, wasn’t even invented yet. The reason why is because Kenny was actually trying to get elected as leader of Norway due to his Viking heritage. But, since he was too liberal, it was feared he was a Commie. So, even though him being in the photo on the side of South Vietnam basically meant he wasn’t a Commie, it still puts him in a very graphic photo. It was enough to make him drop out of the race.

Horsivsvs Assvs Giganticvs: Horsivsvs was actually incredibly surprised when all the Senators around him began stabbing Julius Caesar in order to stop him from being named Emperor. In fact, he was just seconds away from calling a vote to see if the Senate would give him an “Over Achiever” award due to his military successes. Luckily, the stabbing started before he did this, or else he too would have been stabbed to deaath in the frenzy. Horsivsvs was pardoned by the Triumverant for the conspiracy since he was obviously innocent, but unfortunately a drunk Roman mistook him for the ghost of Hannibal and he was beat to death just weeks after the assassination.

Hardy Kimbleman: Hardy was actually in this photo accidentally because he thought he was going to a KKK rally and was so surprised to see Martin Luther King, Jr., that his head literally exploded. Two others were injured in the explosion but only suffered minor burns.

Jethro Banger: Turns out that the man in this photo was actually a secret agent who was secretly sent by the secret group of secret land-owners in the secret country of Hush from the planet Secret. They Secrets were afriad that the Union was developing a weapon that was capable of freeing all slaves in the entire galaxy. They called it the Holy-Crap-All-Our-Slaves-Will-Be-Free-And-Then-We-Will-Be-Broke Device. By the time they figured out that the Union could never possibly build such a thing, much less a radio, the slaves on their home world had revolted. They were forced to stay and make a living in the USA and now constitute the bulk of CEOs that move jobs out of America to other countries.

Thomas Gordon: Thomas Gordon was born in Fat Lip, Iowa. Growing up there as a teenager during the Summer of Love was hard on him, mainly because he was the only person at the time who was not getting laid. It developed into such an obsession as to why he wasn’t getting any play from the ladies that he eventually fried a few nerves and started believing that he was one of the members of the hit 70s group The Village People. He was put into a mental institution in 1985 for breaking both arms of police officer Phil Brubeck of the IPD when he tried to force the officer’s arms into an “M” position during a performance. He stayed in Mayfair Hills until he broke out in 1987 using Crisco and four Popsicle sticks and then disappeared from the system. He turned up next at the fall of the Berlin Wall with a fake passport naming him Grease D. Lytening. He was noticed by Officer Brubeck who was on vacation in West Berlin. “I wouldn’t have seen him, but I saw this guy doing the ‘YMCA’ things with his arms and knew it was that nut job.” He was immediately arrested and ended up hanging himself in his jail cell by his crotchless biker pants.

Bill Nye: Bill, sadly, was the fiancé of the girl in the photo being kissed. Having just gotten back from four years fighting the Japanese Empire. Bill had survived sharks, torpedoes, Zeros and Divine Wind. but none of that could prepare him for this. A clever guy named Jim Gaboon, who was never in any military force, dressed in a sailor outfit and swooped this girl off her feet, kissing her right in front of Bill. Upon being confronted, Jim told Bill that he was actually performing mouth-to-mouth on her because she had stopped breathing at the sight of his white hat. Bill left her and ended up becoming a male gigolo in North Carolina.

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1 Comment

  1. funny stuff.

    I have no idea how I got here.


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