This Would Be Funny

Seeing countless inventive ways Improve Everywhere tends to shake the world up, I came up with one that if I had enough gumption I think would be awesome to pull off.

You have a friend going down to the courthouse to fight a parking ticket or whatever.  As they’re leaving the courthouse, mob them like they just got out of a murder trial.  You could have protesters waving signs about how the person is trying to cheat the system, an array of reporters and cameras being shoved in their face asking them why they decided to fight the charges and how they feel about the verdict, and maybe even some cops to keep everyone at bay.

Awesome, neh?

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TV Shows Shouldn’t Have Seasons

I used to think that TV shows having seasons was a necessary evil needed to develop better story lines, feed anticipation (season 8 of 24 coming soon, woot!), but now I just plain hate it.  Given the quality of shows out there at the moment, or actually all the time, it doesn’t make sense.

Take for instance the new TV show ‘V’ which I recently dived into.  I had heard that the show wasn’t that great, but with my ankle busted and me running out of shows to watch on Hulu, I decided to give it a shot.  Reviews say it’s not great, but whatever.

I diced my way through the first episode and decided to crank through the others.  Despite the terribly annoying androgynous son of that chick from LOST, I was kinda digging it.  Plenty of interesting shows get ruined by annoying children.  In Kyle XY  it was everyone.  In the movie War of the Worlds it was the son and freaky daughter Dakota Fanning (shudder).  But what the hey, I gave it a fair shot and eventually started to like it.

After episode 4 I noticed that in a comment that the next episode was going to air in March.

MARCH!  Are you fucking kidding me!

Four episodes, time enough for someone dedicated enough to get into it, about four episodes short for the rest of America, and they put it on hold for four months.  It was like ABC decided they were going to kill the show but wanted to drag it out as long as possible.  Just cancel it, or air the other episodes at midnight on a Sunday or something, don’t make me wait four months.  At least with ‘Firefly’ they killed the show by just screwing with the episode order, they still got to air all the episodes.

Because of this I realized that having TV seasons is flat-out stupid.  Or if you are going to have seasons, at least stick to it.  You don’t see me sledding in the summertime do you?  Fucking ABC.

Adopt You Own Freak Genius Child In San Francisco

I don’t have a car so I take BART just about everywhere.  On BART are these ads that have always bothered me and I finally remembered to write down my thoughts.  There is this adoption agency in San Francisco called adoptionsf.org which has ads all over the BART system about how everyone should look into adopting kids.  I agree that kids need to be adopted whole heartedly, but the ads give me the heebie-jeebies.  Here are five of them:

sfadopt1Your adopted kid comes with presets like the ability to play the violin.  Look at it as adopting a genius who years from now will make millions and help you reach retirement early.  The way those parents are eyeing Curtis makes me uneasy, it’s like he’s meat.  I’d Photoshop in drool but I’m sure you have the proper image in your head.

sfadopt2Your adopted kid he will do all his homework on time and be an astronaut.  Think about it, your adopted kid could be the first to walk on Mars.  If I ever adopt a kid, I’m going to make sure he becomes an astronaut.  “But dad, my skin is turning orange!” “Shaddup and drink your Tang!”

sfadopt3Your adopted kid will protect you from ninjas.  I thought about getting a really big dog, but opted for the personal bodyguard instead.  One can never tell when your attack-child might come in handy.

sfadopt4Your adopted kid will pitch over 100MPH.  All that time watching sports on TV will finally pay off when your kid signs a $400 Million dollar contract and you can brag about how great a coach you were.  Just remember to clean the steroid needle every time you use it (probably at night while he’s sleeping).

sfadopt5Your adopted kid will actually graduate from somewhere.  Many people think adopted kids will end up addicts, homeless and pregnant with octuplets, but they’re wrong!  You kid will be an outstanding member of society who will actually graduate from somewhere!  Order now!

Honestly though, they couldn’t have just had pictures of the parents with the kids doing normal stuff like playing frisbee or petting a dog?  All of these ads depict the kid doing something out of the ordinary, extraordinary one might say.  If the ad campaign works then I’m all for it, but until I see those numbers I can’t help but think they might go more extreme down the road…

sfadopt7

I Kinda Want Your Kid To Die

stickfamilybumperI know it’s easy for people online to say shocking stuff like how all Mac users need to die because they’re hipsters with too much money, or how Democrats should all be aborted because they love abortion.  I’m not trying to make this post like that.  I genuinely kinda want your kid to die just so I can see what you’d do with that family bumper-sticker you have on your car.

You see, I had started seeing these bumper-stickers last year and immediately developed a huge hatred of them just because they annoyed the hell out of me.  I even found them more annoying than the zillions of ribbon bumper-stickers I see everywhere.  It got so bad that it eventually occurred to me that these families are basically asking to be smote (that’s what I assume is the past tense of ‘smite.’  I particularly liked Urban Dictionary’s definition of smited).

Here you are, showing the world that you have a large happy family with pets and whatnot, and I can’t help but wonder what they will do if a kid of theirs dies.  Do you leave him or her on there in memoriam?  Do you break out a razor blade and wipe them out?  In which case you better hope the youngest dies first so you don’t have to scoot them all over one space.  Or maybe you can replace one with a tombstone that has R.I.P. on it.

I honestly don’t know, and with all the assholes driving around with these stupid stickers, I know someone has had to deal with this kind of scenario.  I honestly wonder if that scene might show up in some indie flick about moving on from your children dying.

I almost feel like if you’re going to put those stickers on your car, they should at least be real to life.  One kid is a goth, another a jock who is beating on the goth, the dad is watching TV and drinking beer, the wife is banging a stick pool-boy, and the daughter already has two little stick kids of her own.  I would honestly love to see that.

My Friend Solved The Pedophile Problem

I don’t know why I didn’t think of this myself.  Pedophiles are a huge issue in our world.  Everyone wants them to get better and stop sleeping with little children, but everyone also wants to beat the crap out of them and also keep them 500 miles from other human beings.  So how do we solve this?

Of course the obvious solution is snipping their balls off.  It kills sexual drive, keeps kids safe, and might even get rid of that pencil-this molester mustache pedophiles always sport.  But you’d be wrong.  There’s an easy answer within our grasp that doesn’t involve the harming of any person.

We’ll give pedophiles asian women.

asianpedSome Asian women look like they are 12 even though they are 30.  Think about it.  The pedophile will have someone who looks like a kid, has a high voice and laughs like a kid, and yet is actually of LEGAL AGE.  It’s so simple.  All we need to do is find enough women like that who are willing to take the bullet for society and be a 12 year old for the rest of their life.

I Say Famous Stuff Too!

famousEvery so often I feel like I come up with some profound statement which, given to the right people, would change their lives.  The only problem is that I’m not famous.  You’ve done it — looked on-line for some famous quote which is only famous because some famous person said it.  Suddenly the words “I like tequila more than I like hookers” are awesome because some guy in a movie said it, or possibly Paul Newman said it (he didn’t, when he spoke only awesomeness came out, as well as good food).

That’s my point right there.  Famous people say ordinary things and they get written up on t-shirts.  Ordinary people say something witty at a bar which everyone laughs at and wishes they had said and yet it’s forgotten within minutes.  It would have made such a great t-shirt!

Here’s another example:

Sometimes, no matter what the voices in your head say, you just have to let go.”  – Dalai Lama

Sounded profound right?  He might have said it?  I just wrote that!  Now instead of a thousand kale-smelling hippies quoting it, no one will.  I should have been born famous.

I Swear To God I’m Freaking Out

Every once in a while I can’t help but let my mind wander into areas that I know should be off limits.  For instance, Asian drivers are just as good as anyone else, but when I get cut-off or something I can’t help but think it’s shitty driving due to heritage.  Or maybe crap that the media loves to latch onto which proves a stereotype, like when that black lady called 911 saying some fast food chain ran out of fried chicken.  COME ON!  Here I am along with a ton of other people trying to convince myself that stereotypes are horrible and misleading, and shit like that happens.  Makes you wonder if the news would report on the same lady calling 911 if Whole Foods ran out of Organic Carrots or something (I’d love to hear that in the news).

conspiracyWhich brings me to my point on my brain thinking there are conspiracy theories that are correct but I hope are not.

Did you notice that every time the US gets into a surplus situation with tons of cash floating around that  we hit a major crisis?  I mean, we finally have enough cash to switch us over to solar and wind, gas prices are massive and everyone is behind switching to green, and then the shit hits the fan.  Gas prices drop, the economy drops, and we stop thinking about it.  Considering we’re going to need an Earth to live on it’s kinda strange, but one almost wonders if there aren’t some powerful executives flipping switches to make all this kind of crap happen.

Think of the stock market a few months ago.  One day it was up 500, the next it was down 700, then up 300 the next.  You almost wonder if someone was buying a ton of stock, making the numbers go up high, selling, and then have them go down again.  A roller coaster which the rich make the money off of (damn you Buffet!).

I don’t know what is real anymore, but part of me can’t get this kind of crap out of my mind.  And whenever I bring it up to people they just support it.  What is a semi-paranoid guy to do?