I Kinda Want Your Kid To Die

stickfamilybumperI know it’s easy for people online to say shocking stuff like how all Mac users need to die because they’re hipsters with too much money, or how Democrats should all be aborted because they love abortion.  I’m not trying to make this post like that.  I genuinely kinda want your kid to die just so I can see what you’d do with that family bumper-sticker you have on your car.

You see, I had started seeing these bumper-stickers last year and immediately developed a huge hatred of them just because they annoyed the hell out of me.  I even found them more annoying than the zillions of ribbon bumper-stickers I see everywhere.  It got so bad that it eventually occurred to me that these families are basically asking to be smote (that’s what I assume is the past tense of ‘smite.’  I particularly liked Urban Dictionary’s definition of smited).

Here you are, showing the world that you have a large happy family with pets and whatnot, and I can’t help but wonder what they will do if a kid of theirs dies.  Do you leave him or her on there in memoriam?  Do you break out a razor blade and wipe them out?  In which case you better hope the youngest dies first so you don’t have to scoot them all over one space.  Or maybe you can replace one with a tombstone that has R.I.P. on it.

I honestly don’t know, and with all the assholes driving around with these stupid stickers, I know someone has had to deal with this kind of scenario.  I honestly wonder if that scene might show up in some indie flick about moving on from your children dying.

I almost feel like if you’re going to put those stickers on your car, they should at least be real to life.  One kid is a goth, another a jock who is beating on the goth, the dad is watching TV and drinking beer, the wife is banging a stick pool-boy, and the daughter already has two little stick kids of her own.  I would honestly love to see that.


God Doesn’t Dig The Renaissance

GodHey religious crazies, when you say god speaks through you or you try and imitate how it speaks, it’s not in Olde English.  Seriously, just because you throw in an ‘art’ a ‘thou’ and a ‘hath’ does not make it the literal word of god.

I had read this screencap from a 4chan attack on people who are of the highly religious persuasion.  They hacked into Facebook accounts and left messages like ‘I LOVE PENIS!’ and other obviously non-religious stuff like pregnancy while not married, suicide, and having sex.  Lo and behold, of course someone responded in a biblical god voice (check out #3).

I know, all they used was the word ‘whence’ but it’s been bothering me since I read it a week or so ago.  It reminded me of the book ‘Under the Banner of Heaven’ by Jon Krakauer which detailed the rise of a mini-cult within the LDS Church.  The leader of the group said god had spoken through him and he typed it down on a computer.  Of course it was littered with all the Olde English sayings which to all the other idiots means god spoke through him for sure.

I guess my point is that more than likely god doesn’t speak in Olde English.  It probably speaks in either some ethereal language that no one can understand, in barbaric grunts, or modern Chinese.

When You’re Not On A Bike, You Look Like An Idiot

bikehatAlright, I get the fact that you probably ride bikes a lot, are a messenger of some sort, and can name every Tour de France winner for the last two decades, but come on.  If you’re not on a bike, going to a bike, or hobbling around on clip-in shoes, don’t get caught wearing that stupid hat.  You seriously look like Huey, Dewy and/or Louie.

It doesn’t protect you from the Sun, it doesn’t protect you from a fall, and unless you’re Lance Armstrong or Italian, please don’t wear them.

I Hate San Francisco (not really)

There are so many things in the Bay Area that I feel drives divides into our happy little community.  For instance, the subway system (BART) doesn’t run past midnight/midnight-thirty.  This means if you live in Oakland or Berkeley, you either need to leave the bar around 11:30 or so, or scamper to find a bed to sleep in until service resumes at 5am (maybe that ugly lady at the end of the bar might not be too ugly when there’s nowhere to sleep).

Another is the cost of living.  San Francisco may be pretty cool and have a ton of stuff to do, but it all costs an arm and a leg.  Go out to a bar and you might end up aith a $60 bar tab, $100 if you add the sushi you thought was going to be a good idea.  In the East Bay your bar tab will run you about $30 all said and done, and that’s a wild night.  Rent is also about $1,000 cheaper to a comparable place in SF unless you go down to Colma which is full of dead people.

The fact that SF has massive hills also is a knock against it.  I can bike just about anywhere in the East Bay with my single-speed and not hit a hill higher that a few feet.  In SF you’ll need calve muscles that resemble either a grapefruit or a gnarly tumor.  Great workout yeah, but who really wants to do that?  Chances are a cab ride will suffice.  Face it, you have to have a pretty good bankroll in SF.

The reason this is all coming up is because of the fireworks show last night.  I went with some friends up to a hill in the Berkeley Marina to watch the Berkeley fireworks show and as a bonus we could see Oakland’s show at Jack London, SF’s show at Crissy Field, and some of Richmond and Marin off in the distance (there was some low cloud cover which illuminated everything pretty awesomely I have to admit).

sffireworksThe Oakland show was cool, and I’m sure the Berkeley show would have been just as great except that right behind it across the bay was the SF fireworks show.  My god did it look impressive.  From 8 miles away it looked amazing.  They had so many great fireworks, but the kicker was that they had it doubled so that if one firework went off, there was a mirror image of it going off in the other direction.  At first I thought it was the beer I drank or a trick with the distance, but everyone was blown away by it, envious that we didn’t go to SF for the show.

It just made me dislike SF even more, despite having tons of cool stuff.  Other things piss me off too, like how no one in SF knows anything about BART, but us here in the East Bay know it like the back of our hands.

We might not be rich, but the East Bay kicks SF ass.

Swing And A Miss

businesstextbookI’m taking this Intro to Business night class at a local community college here in Oakland and for three nights a week for 2.5 hours we talk business.  Well, it would be cool if we did, but it’s more of like a rambling lecture.  I’m being harsh.  I hate to be the asshole, but college courses are WAY different than community college ones.  I kinda feel like I’m in high school again.

One of my major peeves about the course is the textbook.  If it was a regular textbook things would be fine, but this one seems specifically geared towards community colleges.  Every single example in the book involves either a minority or a woman.  Hey, what about us white males?  To be fair I’m the only one in my class.  Ah well.

Secondly, the book is depressingly upbeat.  Because I think it’s directed towards community colleges, the upbeat nature of the book makes it depressing.  I’ve only read three chapters so far and I feel like each one mentions Bill Gates.  In fact, the whole book is filled with success stories about people like the Waltons or Jeff Bezos from Amazon.com.  It’s like the book is luring community college kids into a false sense of security that they too can make it big.  Makes me sad.  I wish it was more realistic.  It also doesn’t help that the instructor uses small business examples where the company makes $1,000,000.00 a year in revenue.  Seriously?  I think most of the people in the class, like myself, either are not going to start a business or it’ll be the variety that makes maybe $25,000.00 a year if they’re lucky.

As far as the title of the post, I totally bombed in class today.  The humor of the college crowd is way different than the community college  crowd.  Here’s the scenario:

The instructor had just bitched us out for ten minutes because he bet us $20 that none of us could come up with three names and numbers of people in the class with them and of course we all failed.  The lesson being we need to be networking.  So after making fun of us and using Bill Gates in an example about a fellow classmate who could unknowingly be a billionaire one day, he says that you need to make friends.

Well, in my experience, no one in class really talks to each other, even in college, much less exchange numbers.  Sure, you may have had a class with someone famous, but chances are that’s it.  So when he snickered away about how poor at networking we were, I raised my hand and decided to give him the old one-two.  “So basically what you’re saying is that we need to network in class so that instead of saying ‘I had a class with Bill Gates’ we could say ‘I had a class with Bill Gates and he was a jackass.'”

The silence was deafening.

I had expected at least one chuckle, but all I got was a blank stare from the teacher and the rest of the class who decided to find out what the asshole in their class looked like.  I guess no one jokes in community college much less talks in class.

Going to be a a great month.

Mixon Supporters Win ‘Assholes of the Year’ Award Early in 2009

oaklandpoliceFor those of you that may not have heard, a man named Lovelle Mixon was pulled over by two motorcycle cops a week or so ago and he promptly gunned them both down.  He then ran to his sisters apartment.  By the end of the day he was dead along with four Oakland PD officers.

Last night, about 60 people came out in support of Mixon and against the Oakland Police Department, saying Mixon was innocent of the rape allegations and that Oakland Police are overly violent.

Look, everybody knows Oakland Police are too violent.  That’s a given.  But this guy wasn’t even gunned down unarmed or even armed to begin with.  He got pulled over, killed two officers, then later two more when they tried to capture him.  Are you serious?

Yes, Mixon dying was a tragedy, but the guy had killed two officers of the law.  I don’t understand how people can proclaim his innocence when he acts like he’s guilty of murder.  And it wasn’t because they were harassing him, you don’t open fire on police who pull you over for being black.

Come on, I know America has idiots in its ranks, but I never thought they were smart enough to organize.


Goddamn you Seattle. All I want to do is get to Port Townsend from SeaTac Airport. Why don’t you have just one organized public transit system? I have to spend hours at terminals waiting for transfers when I could be moving. Even on the other side of the Sound they have two different transit systems. And Google doesn’t want to spend the time figuring it out so I have to do it the old fashioned way. Argh! I wish I had a bike up there waiting for me…

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