The Grog Song

grogInternational Talk-Like-A-Pirate Day fast approaches (Sept 19th) so I thought I’d post a song I wrote in Niger about the best drink in the world… GROG!

Solo: Some call it briney and some call it slimey!

Everyone: But put to the test, it beats all the rest!

S: No advice you be heedin’ though your gums they be bleedin’!

E: But put to the test, it beats all the rest!


Grog! Grog! A wonderful drink!

You’ll smell like a skunk and then die from the stink!

And if my dear swill be forbidden by god,

I’d rather be burnin’ than part with my grog!

S: Your vision goes hazy and it makes you quite crazy!

E: But put to the test, it beats all the rest!

S: It makes you quite nervy and saves you from scurvy!

E: But put to the test, it beats all the rest!


So hoist up your glasses and raise them up high,

Salute that black flag way up in the sky!

Lift up your elbows and give ‘em a twist,

Drink all your grog or you’ll eat my damn fist!


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The following is an excerpt from the King County Council minutes from the State of Washington.


Barbara: “I’m telling you guys, the monorail is the way to go.”

Dave: “I don’t know if I can take any more Simpson’s references, why can’t we just drop it.”

Tim: “If we drop it, we appear weak. Plus, how many cities have monorails? Imagine if we hadn’t decided to build the Space Needle because no one else had one?”

Dave: “Okay, the Needle was a great idea, but the monorail just ain’t doing it for everyone.”

Sarah: (to Barbara) “…so then the whole episode was just them saying ‘nigger’ over and over again. I just can’t believe what South Park can get away with these days.”

Tim: “What was that Sarah?”

Sarah: “Uhhhh, nothing. Just talking about South Park.”

Tim: “No, you might have something there. Everyone, what is it that the Pacific Northwest is completely lacking that all the other major cities of the country have?”

Barbara: “An aversion to beastiality?”

Dave: “Good drivers?”

Tim: “No you idiots, black people.”

Sarah: “What are those?”

Tim: “We need to show the rest of the country that Seattle isn’t an elite white city who relies solely on Microsoft and Boeing for work. We need to show America that we care about black people.”

Barbara: “Wait, if we show the country we care about black people, wouldn’t that encourage black people to move here?”

Dave: “We can’t have that.”

Tim: “I’ve thought of a novel way of making Seattle seem like they admire black people without actually encouraging them to move here. It’s been staring at us in the face for the last 40 years.”

Sarah: “Fried chicken?”

Tim: “Good guess, but no. I’m talking about King County. We change it to mean Martin Luther King Jr.”

Barbara: “Woah woah woah. Won’t the decedents of William King cause a fuss?”

Dave: “If they do, we can just call them racists.”

Tim: “Good thinking Dave, that’s the spirit.”

Meanwhile across the Sound in Jefferson County

Jethro: “So guys, I have this idea. How many of you have ever seen the show The Jeffersons?”


I finally wrote and posted my first blog post at the website I’m interning at. I gotta say, it felt like school. Unlike this blog where I can just yammer on and on about things and not really care about structure or if it’s even interesting, this piece was tough.

It felt like school, but whatever. I’m learning some great things, getting great experience, and the people I work with offer a lot of help. Life is pretty awesome.

I’ll be posting more on that site ( more often, so check it out, put it in your Reader or something, and keep your eyes peeled. Have a great weekend!


Heinrich Dofflebanger: Heinrich killed himself minutes after this photo was taken. He thought Hitler was going to pat him on the head for doing such a great job of protecting his car. In actuality, Hitler was just saluting everyone. He was also terribly depressed when he found out that the hat his wife gave him that morning made him look like a Hitler Youth. A peek into an alternate universe shows that if Hitler had actually patted Heinrich on the head, he would have gone on to do nothing of importance, never would have married, and would have died in obscurity.

Stupid Man #26: Not much is known about Stupid Man #26, but one thing is for certain — he is as dumb as a brick. I mean, even Carrot Top would probably start crying after talking with this guy for five minutes. If it went to ten minutes, blood would probably shoot out his nose. Not much is known about Stupid, but he seems to be related to the other 25 stupid guys that are marching endlessly on stairs without ever stopping . They don’t even notice the exit door on the far right. All he does is watch them. At least the guy on the stairs is smart. He’s just contemplating life, or waiting for the keg to be delivered — who knows?

Kenny Hjorkeenmal: Kenny is only in this photo because the CIA Photoshopped him into it, even though Photoshop, much less a personal computer, wasn’t even invented yet. The reason why is because Kenny was actually trying to get elected as leader of Norway due to his Viking heritage. But, since he was too liberal, it was feared he was a Commie. So, even though him being in the photo on the side of South Vietnam basically meant he wasn’t a Commie, it still puts him in a very graphic photo. It was enough to make him drop out of the race.

Horsivsvs Assvs Giganticvs: Horsivsvs was actually incredibly surprised when all the Senators around him began stabbing Julius Caesar in order to stop him from being named Emperor. In fact, he was just seconds away from calling a vote to see if the Senate would give him an “Over Achiever” award due to his military successes. Luckily, the stabbing started before he did this, or else he too would have been stabbed to deaath in the frenzy. Horsivsvs was pardoned by the Triumverant for the conspiracy since he was obviously innocent, but unfortunately a drunk Roman mistook him for the ghost of Hannibal and he was beat to death just weeks after the assassination.

Hardy Kimbleman: Hardy was actually in this photo accidentally because he thought he was going to a KKK rally and was so surprised to see Martin Luther King, Jr., that his head literally exploded. Two others were injured in the explosion but only suffered minor burns.

Jethro Banger: Turns out that the man in this photo was actually a secret agent who was secretly sent by the secret group of secret land-owners in the secret country of Hush from the planet Secret. They Secrets were afriad that the Union was developing a weapon that was capable of freeing all slaves in the entire galaxy. They called it the Holy-Crap-All-Our-Slaves-Will-Be-Free-And-Then-We-Will-Be-Broke Device. By the time they figured out that the Union could never possibly build such a thing, much less a radio, the slaves on their home world had revolted. They were forced to stay and make a living in the USA and now constitute the bulk of CEOs that move jobs out of America to other countries.

Thomas Gordon: Thomas Gordon was born in Fat Lip, Iowa. Growing up there as a teenager during the Summer of Love was hard on him, mainly because he was the only person at the time who was not getting laid. It developed into such an obsession as to why he wasn’t getting any play from the ladies that he eventually fried a few nerves and started believing that he was one of the members of the hit 70s group The Village People. He was put into a mental institution in 1985 for breaking both arms of police officer Phil Brubeck of the IPD when he tried to force the officer’s arms into an “M” position during a performance. He stayed in Mayfair Hills until he broke out in 1987 using Crisco and four Popsicle sticks and then disappeared from the system. He turned up next at the fall of the Berlin Wall with a fake passport naming him Grease D. Lytening. He was noticed by Officer Brubeck who was on vacation in West Berlin. “I wouldn’t have seen him, but I saw this guy doing the ‘YMCA’ things with his arms and knew it was that nut job.” He was immediately arrested and ended up hanging himself in his jail cell by his crotchless biker pants.

Bill Nye: Bill, sadly, was the fiancé of the girl in the photo being kissed. Having just gotten back from four years fighting the Japanese Empire. Bill had survived sharks, torpedoes, Zeros and Divine Wind. but none of that could prepare him for this. A clever guy named Jim Gaboon, who was never in any military force, dressed in a sailor outfit and swooped this girl off her feet, kissing her right in front of Bill. Upon being confronted, Jim told Bill that he was actually performing mouth-to-mouth on her because she had stopped breathing at the sight of his white hat. Bill left her and ended up becoming a male gigolo in North Carolina.


Most Depressing Cartoon Ever

Above you will see what I consider to be the most depressing cartoon in the world. Granted, I have not seen every cartoon in the world, but this one holds a special place in my heart. I grew up idolizing Calvin and Hobbes.

For me, Calvin represented the imaginative side that was trying to escape from the world at large. For all those people who wanted to show up to class in a full tuxedo, for all those people who love skateboarding in nothing but a pink Speedo, Calvin was your cartoon. Through thick and thin, Calvin’s imagination changed the way people thought about life, people, and especially children.

Children have been taught to obey their elders, not to doodle on the walls of buildings or to stand out. Heck, some little kids have even been issued tickets for having a simple lemonade stand. But Calvin shows us that it’s okay to have these urges to be childish. The problem is that society at large – as an entity – considers these urges ‘silly.’ So you wish that the snowman you built would come alive and terrorize the neighborhood, or that you could time travel in a cardboard box? Calvin taught a legion of children that having this kind of imagination was acceptable and should be encouraged.

This is why the cartoon depicted above is so disturbing. If Calvin is the depiction of our childish side, what does that say about the above cartoon?

The cartoon represents not only adulthood itself, but the future of childhood. People who grew up with Calvin and Hobbes are now reaching the age where they have children of their own. Some of these new parents are faced with a haunting question – do they let their kids be themselves?

Calvin taught us that acting out was okay, but the world at large says that it isn’t. Calvin was horrible at school. Not only did he get bad grades, but he mouthed off to teachers, stayed out at recess too long, and shirked homework. This anti-social behavior in the real world is never tolerated. This might lead parents to believe that drugs are the only answer for a kid who is incapable of conforming to what is expected of him.

But what about if we want our kids to be happy and creative, as well as successful? We are torn between letting our kids be kids, or prepping them so they can be prosperous as adults. The cartoon above depicts the harshest choice we’d ever have to face as parents – killing our kid’s creative side so that they can be ‘successful’ in life. It doesn’t matter how creative of an imagination you have – that won’t get you into college

The cartoon above is the choice one parent has made – to sacrifice the imagination of their child for a better chance at a well-paying job. In the end, everyone idolizes Calvin, but no one actually wants him as their kid. I consider this to be the most depressing cartoon in the world because in the end, Calvin is no longer himself.