I Kinda Want Your Kid To Die

stickfamilybumperI know it’s easy for people online to say shocking stuff like how all Mac users need to die because they’re hipsters with too much money, or how Democrats should all be aborted because they love abortion.  I’m not trying to make this post like that.  I genuinely kinda want your kid to die just so I can see what you’d do with that family bumper-sticker you have on your car.

You see, I had started seeing these bumper-stickers last year and immediately developed a huge hatred of them just because they annoyed the hell out of me.  I even found them more annoying than the zillions of ribbon bumper-stickers I see everywhere.  It got so bad that it eventually occurred to me that these families are basically asking to be smote (that’s what I assume is the past tense of ‘smite.’  I particularly liked Urban Dictionary’s definition of smited).

Here you are, showing the world that you have a large happy family with pets and whatnot, and I can’t help but wonder what they will do if a kid of theirs dies.  Do you leave him or her on there in memoriam?  Do you break out a razor blade and wipe them out?  In which case you better hope the youngest dies first so you don’t have to scoot them all over one space.  Or maybe you can replace one with a tombstone that has R.I.P. on it.

I honestly don’t know, and with all the assholes driving around with these stupid stickers, I know someone has had to deal with this kind of scenario.  I honestly wonder if that scene might show up in some indie flick about moving on from your children dying.

I almost feel like if you’re going to put those stickers on your car, they should at least be real to life.  One kid is a goth, another a jock who is beating on the goth, the dad is watching TV and drinking beer, the wife is banging a stick pool-boy, and the daughter already has two little stick kids of her own.  I would honestly love to see that.


God Doesn’t Dig The Renaissance

GodHey religious crazies, when you say god speaks through you or you try and imitate how it speaks, it’s not in Olde English.  Seriously, just because you throw in an ‘art’ a ‘thou’ and a ‘hath’ does not make it the literal word of god.

I had read this screencap from a 4chan attack on people who are of the highly religious persuasion.  They hacked into Facebook accounts and left messages like ‘I LOVE PENIS!’ and other obviously non-religious stuff like pregnancy while not married, suicide, and having sex.  Lo and behold, of course someone responded in a biblical god voice (check out #3).

I know, all they used was the word ‘whence’ but it’s been bothering me since I read it a week or so ago.  It reminded me of the book ‘Under the Banner of Heaven’ by Jon Krakauer which detailed the rise of a mini-cult within the LDS Church.  The leader of the group said god had spoken through him and he typed it down on a computer.  Of course it was littered with all the Olde English sayings which to all the other idiots means god spoke through him for sure.

I guess my point is that more than likely god doesn’t speak in Olde English.  It probably speaks in either some ethereal language that no one can understand, in barbaric grunts, or modern Chinese.

Wanted: iPhone Users


So my buddy John Wulff has added a new feature to Project Paranoid, our map wiki that hopes to map every external camera in North America.  Check out more details here.  Basically if you have a phone or camera that tags the photo with GPS, we need your help.

We need you to start snapping photos of external cameras (security, red-light, webcam, traffic and speed cameras) with your phone and emailing them to newcamera@projectparanoid.com which will automatically populate the images on our map.  You can then go to the site and edit the camera positions (if they’re off by a little).

More will come, but for right now we really need help getting images.  So if you see one and can spare 5 seconds, please do!

Happy Hunting!

My Friend Solved The Pedophile Problem

I don’t know why I didn’t think of this myself.  Pedophiles are a huge issue in our world.  Everyone wants them to get better and stop sleeping with little children, but everyone also wants to beat the crap out of them and also keep them 500 miles from other human beings.  So how do we solve this?

Of course the obvious solution is snipping their balls off.  It kills sexual drive, keeps kids safe, and might even get rid of that pencil-this molester mustache pedophiles always sport.  But you’d be wrong.  There’s an easy answer within our grasp that doesn’t involve the harming of any person.

We’ll give pedophiles asian women.

asianpedSome Asian women look like they are 12 even though they are 30.  Think about it.  The pedophile will have someone who looks like a kid, has a high voice and laughs like a kid, and yet is actually of LEGAL AGE.  It’s so simple.  All we need to do is find enough women like that who are willing to take the bullet for society and be a 12 year old for the rest of their life.

I Am A Bad-Ass

dancefloorSee that?  I built a dance floor.  In a day.  I took a shitload of pallets, a bunch of plywood, a shovel, screws and a saw and made it.  My mom helped a lot.  Molly and her dad helped too.  The friggin’ thing is HUGE, like 800 square feet.  My apartment is smaller.  I am sore.  The way I look at it, I could have rented a 15 by 15 foot dance floor for $400, or I could build it.  I built it and it’s more than just 15 by 15, it’s more like 36 by 30.

Honestly, I hope it doesn’t break at the wedding and the slight bumps in it don’t throw anyone off on the dance floor.  Be safe!  (Gotta finish the lighting this weekend).

This Too Hurt A Bit

IMG_1385The coloring on the ship is finished.  Phew!  Now I have to go do physical labor tomorrow, not going to be fun.  Plus, got an appointment later this month to finish it out with my compass rose on the inside of my arm.  That one will hurt the worst by far, what with all that nice, soft arm flesh in there.  Thanks Jason, your work is amazing.

I Say Famous Stuff Too!

famousEvery so often I feel like I come up with some profound statement which, given to the right people, would change their lives.  The only problem is that I’m not famous.  You’ve done it — looked on-line for some famous quote which is only famous because some famous person said it.  Suddenly the words “I like tequila more than I like hookers” are awesome because some guy in a movie said it, or possibly Paul Newman said it (he didn’t, when he spoke only awesomeness came out, as well as good food).

That’s my point right there.  Famous people say ordinary things and they get written up on t-shirts.  Ordinary people say something witty at a bar which everyone laughs at and wishes they had said and yet it’s forgotten within minutes.  It would have made such a great t-shirt!

Here’s another example:

Sometimes, no matter what the voices in your head say, you just have to let go.”  – Dalai Lama

Sounded profound right?  He might have said it?  I just wrote that!  Now instead of a thousand kale-smelling hippies quoting it, no one will.  I should have been born famous.